Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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