my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize