I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
