You really coming over, don't trick.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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