i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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