I puked a lego.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
