Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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