i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
