I bet he comes in French.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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