I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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