so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
