ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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