I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
this hospital has no fireball
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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