That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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