My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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