OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Congratulations! We have a period
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
