then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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