just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
