I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sorry about my life...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
