Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
