I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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