i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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