so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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