so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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