Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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