and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
