If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize