the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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