i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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