my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
