I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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