He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize