i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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