We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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