Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
