she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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