Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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