Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
