I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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