She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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