I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize