I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
