I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
