listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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