My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My liver just had a heart attack.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
