Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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