Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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