I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
