you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
