Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
