You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
