I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
