is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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