If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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