my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Terrible idea I love it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
