I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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