we have pet lesbian snakes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
