Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
