her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
