Pants 0. Shit 1.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize