I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
